Keeping 2016's Resolution

It's another New Year, and we all know what that means, other than starting to think about taxes, paying bills from Christmas, and considering trading in a cat for a puppy at the rescue shelter. It is other things, too.  Studies show that 127% of Americans come up with New Year's Resolutions that, somehow, involve the body.  Building muscle sounds like too much work, cosmetic surgery might be considered, but the majority of us are thinking about losing weight.  I am thinking about it, probably doomed to failure after giving up on, oh, around January 13th last year.  My problem is that, when I lose weight, I reward myself with food.  Lost three pounds since the last weigh-in, go ahead and slather some butter on brats and go to it.  That's like rewarding an alcoholic with Cutty, water back, for staying sober for a couple of weeks.

I never said it was logical.

However this is a good year because, on odd-numbered years I resolve to lose 15 pounds.  And on even-numbered years I endeavor to gain 15 pounds.

And this is 2016.  We will not discuss how I did last year.  That would be bad form.

Sternums Ain't Sexy

Recently, while going through the checkout lane at my favorite supermarket, I scanned the magazines available for purchase while the lady was checking me through.

Two headlines on women's magazines caught my eye. One said, simply, "Suddenly Slender." The other, also simply stated, proclaimed "Instant Bliss."

It's not as if women in this country aren't constantly harassed with lies about how they should look. So "Suddenly Slim" lie didn't surprise me. It just made me angry. You ladies need to understand that red-blooded American males are not turned on by seeing where your ribs attach to your sternum. Please don't wear low-cut dresses that reveal a skeleton if you are interested in attracting Y-chromosome attention.

On the other hand, I identified with the "Instant Bliss" message. I didn't read the article, of course. I already knew. "Instant Bliss" can be attained. It's hot brats and cold beer.

By the way, the lady checking me out had a nice figure. No need for her to be desirous of becoming suddenly slim. I was buying olives for my wife, peanut butter for me, and marshmallows for the dog (that's how she takes her meds). The lady announced the total, then took a look at what I had purchased.

"New diet," I said, attempting to be humorous.

"Oh," she said, genuinely interested, eyebrows going up as she reviewed the items as she bagged them. "Maybe I'll try that."

I smiled and left, striding out into a gray, cold, and drizzly day.